“I’ll just never be good enough. It might have been better to never have married.” Have these thoughts ever crossed your mind?
You are not alone. It has certainly crossed my mind a few times since I have been married. And the funny thing is, it was not because of some big disagreement or fight, it was just because I am SO different to my husband. Do you know that feeling of frustration? It just builds up and then, one day, just explodes.
So, the question is, why? Why does this happen? Why does this frustration of being different, build up and then just explode? In my opinion, there seem to be two reasons:
- You think you are not good enough and compare yourself to other women.
- You think your husband needs a wife who thinks like him.
1. Comparing yourself to other women
Comparison is like ivy. It seems like such a nice little creeper to decorate and add to the beauty of your garden. However, if you leave it be, it absolutely takes over everything. And even worse, it suffocates other plants.
The same happens to you when you allow comparison to roam freely on the outskirts of your mind. It seems as though it might be a good “check-point” to make sure that you are just following the status quo of “a good wife”. But, in the end, it suffocates who you are, completely.
You become so wrapped up in how you are supposed to think and how you should be doing things the way other wives do (mind you, they are all living with the same deceit as you are), that you completely lose yourself. And then, one day, it just explodes inside you and you start to believe that you will simply just NEVER be good enough! You think that it would be better to be like someone else’s wife, who seems to have it all together.
2. Thinking like your husband…
This spirals into the next reason for your frustration: thinking that your husband needs a wife who thinks like him. If you process and do things in the same way as your husband, there will be no disagreements or arguments, right?
Now, I have to add that I know a couple of married couples who process and think about things in the same way, and they are very happy. If that is you, that’s absolutely wonderful. However, I will never be able to process things in the same way as my husband does, and honestly I really don’t want to. So, does he need a wife who thinks like him?
No. I think his life would be boring (in my eyes) if he didn’t have someone in his life who literally did everything in the opposite way. Having said that, it really took me some time to come to that realisation, and even now, I sometimes still think that our lives would be less complicated if I just did things the way he did them.
Would it have been better to just never have married? Definitely not. Being so completely different to my husband in the way that I think, act and reason, has made us a more complete unit than I could ever have been on my own.
He challenges me in the way that I look at situations and makes me think twice before I just act or speak. Ultimately, it has made me a better person, but it doesn’t mean that I should become like him. I would not be happier or a better wife if I thought like him, because the wife I am, is exactly the wife I need to be to make this marriage work.
The wife you need to be
Where does this leave you? What I have learned is that I want to treasure those things which makes each of us unique. So, what I did is draw up a list of five differences between my husband and me. Then, I thanked the Lord for these differences and that He has thought it well to join us in marriage. I know that because of our marriage we are a more influential unit. We are more able to impact the world around us, effectively.
My challenge to you, is to do the same. Draw up a list of five personality or behavioral things on which you and your husband differ. Thank the Lord, and start celebrating it. Remind yourself of these differences, whenever it’s needed, and then take a moment to celebrate it. 🙂
You are uniquely made. You are the wife you need to be. Stop comparing yourself to other wives, and know that who you are, is exactly who your husband needs.
Ps. I do want to add a note here. Just because you think and process things differently to your husband, does not give you the right to be rebellious, or obnoxious, or to place the blame of your disagreements solely on him. More about this in my article on Communication.